My dear Tot,
I don’t remember the minute of the hour of the day that you walked into my life, but I know you left too soon. I think about the day you left this world. There was no bell rung or trumpet sound that signaled your departure. No tremor felt deep within the earth that would alert me to my heartbreak. It was just a regular day. You quietly slipped away while the birds kept singing and the world kept turning. Surely there must have been a sign that I missed. Whether it was blaring red neon, or a simple piece of paper inscribed in crayon, there had to be a sign that your time on earth was ending. I had to have missed it. How could it be that you were gone with absolutely no warning? It was too narrow a time between our hello and our goodbye. But even a hundred years would not have been enough time to prepare for this… I may have missed the warning of your departure, but I have felt every second of your loss since.
An elephant sits on my chest, daring me to breathe. And it is all I can do to force the air. In. And out. And again. Oh. And dear heart, please remember to beat.
I keep thinking I am stuck in a dream, the sandman’s cruel joke. All I need to do is wake up! But there it is, in black and white, the formal announcement of your death. It still refuses to sink in, this new reality without you in it. You told me, once upon a time, that you were too stubborn to die. I curse myself for believing you. I trusted you. And now… Who am I going to trust now? The one person in the world that I believed in has left me here in a pile of ash. Even the phoenix inside me lies dormant. No resurrection in sight.
In. And out. And again. Put one foot in front of the other and just breathe. Maybe one day. It may become automatic again, this breathing and walking. But for now. It hurts. So much. Without. You.
Love, Tater
Copyright
Dawn Miller
2012
